To say the world is on fire is an understatement. When I decided to apply to the Future Leaders In Action fellowship, I had in the forefront of my mind that we are in a new reality and I need to adapt. Instagram can keep their “it’s okay to not be okay” euphemisms. I do not have the income not to be okay. I have stopped using the phrase “when this is all over” because I realized this pandemic and its effects are in for the long haul. The plans and decisions I make now revolve around COVID. The memories of life before the pandemic are fast becoming distant. In the two months that I have been working with South Bronx United, I often think about the balance of being self aware, present and emotionally/mentally available to work with students. How honest can I be when asked “How are you?” How acceptable is it to be unsure or feeling unstable?
The word “grace” resounds in my mind when teens walk around the program and their masks are down. I feel annoyed, yet I understand that just like my life is different and I am learning to get used to this new reality, so are the students I serve. It is exhausting to tell students multiple times to pull up their mask, social distance and not to share items. It is exhausting to get on a train and feel anxious when someone gets on and they are not wearing a mask, to move to another train car just to find more people not wearing a mask as well. It is exhausting to watch videos of police violence, massive protests, collective frustration and then feel guilty for that exhaustion because I feel like I should be out there fighting too.
The world is on fire, people are sick in a city that consistently struggles with intersecting socioeconomic and racial tension and we all are at different stages in the grief process of the life we once knew. The way I find my peace, is to take it one day at a time, have grace for myself and others. The only thing I can control is my own behavior. The days I have the most patience with myself are the days I feel detached and tired the most. I often say “It is a hard life” through these few months. I've added “It’s a hard life, I’ll do my best today”. I come to the understanding that meeting myself, my students and co-workers where they are is the key to making the most of this experience.
My role at South Bronx United is to help perfect the way the organization collects student academic data, and run daily program activities. In this experience, I learned software like Slack and Salesforce. Those skills I am happy to have gained because I know I can expand on them anywhere I go. One of my most fruitful takeaways so far is a shift in mindset that is refreshing to use both with myself and my students.
In my previous work, classroom management tactics were about controlling student behavior and punishment when students are out of control. At SBU, teens are treated as collaborators in their success academically and socially. Staff as well, have a healthy way of dealing with conflict and making a team effort to make sure that everyone is doing their best. Before working with SBU, if I made a mistake, I would feel the need to apologize profusely, yet here, I have learned to see a mistake as another learning and reflection opportunity. I have worked and interned with a number of nonprofits and this is the most helpful experience thus far because I feel closer aligned to purpose and working to learn from students and coworkers.
It has been helpful to work at a place like SBU during a stressful and uneasy time in this country. I am also grateful for this fellowship because I needed the peer-mentorship and experience. This has helped me to keep looking forward and keep hope for the future despite the uncertain reality we face. I feel supported and I am hopeful that in the last few weeks that I am here in the organization I make a contribution that furthers the goals of SBU,